I give thanks for the grace of God because I got an opportunity to go home to Malang in July 2011 to serve in Fellowship Service at Kartika Graha. Actually, God had stirred my heart since last year and I determined to save my money for the fare to go home. There were many problems I faced that moved my longing to go home and to serve God. I give thanks that God did not let me be obstructed by the problems
One of the problems that almost made me run away from God's calling was about my study. Saying about "research" was traumatic for me because I had repeated my research many times to get my Bachelor degree three years ago because my research topic had had to be changed many times. I had been accepted to study in my university without any test but it was difficult to go out of it, meaning to graduate. Afterward, I could realize that it had happened because of my own my mistake that I had been arrogant and ambitious to graduate, so the Lord helped and I could graduate well. Nevertheless, I always become afraid of new research I must do.
After I had to continue my study abroad and begin my new research, all things were repeated again. In the beginning I thought that this time my counselor lecturer had Professor title with many experiences, so the tragedy of changing the research topic many times would not happen this time. As a matter of fact, my research had not resulted anything since September 2010 until May 2011, and I had to change the topic three times. I did not realize that bitterness and disappointment began to fill my heart until my mouth said bad words. I easily spoke the weakness of my counselor professor and my laboratory friends every time I was with my friends. My flesh tended to blame other people for all failures that had happened.I give thanks to God because there is repeated Shepherding Word that works to brake the velocity of sins in my life
. He has made me realize my mistake that it is not good to speak about the weakness of other people. At that time, the Shepherding Word discussed about the sin of bitterness in the hearts of chief priests (Matthew 26: 4
). I tried to restrain my mouth from saying bad words and throw away all bitterness in my heart. Afterward, my mouth did not grumble anymore but my heart still refused to comply. I felt hopelessness because my heart was full of bitterness, even I said "Lord, I am not able, maybe I will never forget all my heart hurts."
Again and again I give thanks because there is Shepherding Word preached continuously
, not only from live broadcast service from GPTKK Malang and GPTKK Surabaya. Every time I could not control my heart, God stirred me to follow the live broadcast service
, both in Malang and Surabaya devotion. I could not pour out the content of my heart to anyone but the Word of God was enough to make my heart still
. Maybe my emotion would have exploded and I would have run away from my study if there had been no power of God's Word.
I could do nothing after Rev.Widjaja announced that the fellowship service in Kartika Graha would be held at the end of July 2011. My mistake was I thought that I would ask permission to go home if my problem could be settled although it was not finished yet. In the other word is as follows: "Wait God, I will settle my problem, please help me, and I will ask permission to go home if I can get a few data." (It was as if I was forcing God with a deadline to help me).
Even I had a thought for not going home to Malang. But every time I thought about the cancellation, God always reminded me about His Word in New Year Eve Service that 2011 is the year of Revival. Do not be egoistic or be left behind!
I followed fasting prayer on a day and then the Prayer Service via Surabaya life broadcast. In the preaching of God's Word, suddenly Rev.Widjaja mentioned the fellowship service in Kartika Graha. He said that all matters had procedures that one could ask permission formally. The people far away from Malang would try to come, so we who were near should not be left! I wondered at that time because the fellowship services which were going to be held were the fellowship service in Poso and Ngawi. Why was only the fellowship service in Kartika Graha told? I really felt that it was the blessing of God for me. That night I firmed my heart, and I typed a letter to ask the permission of my professor that I could go home
. In the morning I met him and I was permitted to go home in July easily
I wanted to believe firmly that God never fools
someone who wants to sacrifice and enter the ministry of building Christ's body. Physically, all problems were not settled yet at that time, but I believed that the wisdom and help of God are beyond our thought and God is busy with ourselves when He has not helped us yet
. He processed my life first in the remaining time.
I felt that I was in the end of my ability to bear all matters one day. I cried bitterly in my room after I went home from school. I was exceedingly sorrowful. Satan always tried to fool me and grow bitterness in my heart, but I felt that God had already protected and helped me to try to discuss my research with my professor with good saying, without emotion.
God's Word in Youth Service last week (July 2, 2011) and Prayer Service last week (July 5, 2011) was true. Crying because of sorrow is natural but have we ever cried when we are separated with God?
Have we ever cried because of our sins? Have we ever cried to ask the revelation of God's Word?
The next some days, I cried again, but not because of my failure. This time I cried because my heart was cut by the Word
revealing my faults. I felt that I was the first time I was cut by the Word which showed my sins until I was ashamed since I was baptized in 1998. The Word told me that the cause of my failures was my disobedience, flesh ambition, and much bad saying.
Many times when the Professor told me something, I indeed did it but with my own thought or with another plan different with His order. I often did not believe him fully and I still sought other opinions or I wanted to become cleverer than him. It was often difficult to advise me and I tended to argue against the advice
while God had showed me that my friends, who were not Christians, could easily obey the order and advice of the Professor.
I cried more bitterly than when I remembered my problems. I felt that I failed as a Christian, even failed as a youth who has been taught in the teaching Word.
Why was it difficult for me to be obedient even I tended to argue? In all failures I had, I should have heard the Word solemnly and corrected myself many times, not easily seeing the faults of other people. I could only ask the forgiveness and the mercy of God to change my life.
I learnt to be obedient fully and to control my tongue. I wanted to learn to check myself many times. I said that the Word is true; the Word showing all sins and faults
is what we needed in every service we did, so we can realize and repent. If the sins have been settled, there is nothing impossible for God to settle our problem.
After the Word severely pierced my heart, I felt that all bitterness in my heartwas pulled out up to the root
. I did not want to look the weakness of my professor and my laboratory friends. The Lord also showed me and reminded me that impossible things can be made possible when we have "OBEDIENCE" with sincerity
- My Professor said to me "It is good if you can distinguish these two compounds with the equipment in the laboratory" whereas he had known, according to the literature, that the two compounds were only able to distinguished with an equipment that was not in my laboratory. But the Lord helped me to nod. I accepted it although it seemed impossible to do. Seeing the result, the professor also said that the analysis was almost similar, it was difficult to distinguish the two compounds. But finally with the guidance of God, I could find other literature in two days so the two compounds could be distinguished with the equipment in the laboratory.
- Because my research did not result in anything many times, I was ordered to repeat the research of previous student and to repair the result. It was not an easy matter to repair the data. My professor always said to me many times "If you are lucky." I also searched in internet the method to get data well but the closing words I got are "I hope you are lucky." I was hopeless and thought whether it was a research or a lot needing luck. Although I repeated with the same method, the result could be different.
I surrendered to God, so I did it. He helped me that I could get better resultalthough I had only done a part of the project before I went home to Malang.
- Maybe this is a little matter but it sticks very much in my heart. My mother helped me to prepare my baggage when I would go last year because I did not have time for it. In the beginning, I stayed in college dormitory, and then I moved. I sought for my medicine oil in my baggage but I could not find it. My mother gave me short message "Try to look for it again in the baggage." I thought that I had moved twice, so I had opened my baggage many times and my medicine oil had not been there. Nevertheless, I felt in my heart that God wanted me ONLY TO BE OBEDIENT. Although I had argued it but God reminded me about the parable of two sons in Matthew 21: 28-32. There was a son who rejected the order of his father but then he regretted and finally obeyed it. There is still the mercy of God as long as we want to be obedient.
Finally, I did it, I opened my baggage again. I could easily find the medicine oil I had sought for many months in the tip of the bag, behind the zipper, not more than 5 minutes.
Through all of these experiences, God taught me to surrender and be obedient more
. My duty is only to obey the Word, and the rest of my steps will be arranged by God. God often lets us have many limited conditions as Jacob in the tent where he could not hunt anything even there was no opportunity at all and the flesh was so limited and controlled in the shepherding. But the Lord has shown that He is able to arrange my life steps, to make all things beautiful and good in His time, even better than what we can think.
I still need your prayers. If God allows, I will return to Japan and continue my study until the beginning of next year. I do not know what I will face and I feel so powerless. There are many thoughts and will of my flesh as a youth that make me disobedient, besides I easily become hopeless and proud of something. But I want to learn to lean on God, obey, believe and trust myself fully on Him
That is my testimony, I hope it can be blessing for us.